I'm a wanderer

change.

so scary yet so fulfilling, a beautiful paradox.

so many of us were raised to believe that change is horrible. unacceptable. that the way things are is just the way they should remain. and it spills into a lot of aspects. belief systems, routines, mindsets, really everything if you think about it. however, I find it so incredibly dangerous to just adapt everything fed to you at such an early age when you literally don’t even know who you are. question those systems. challenge them until you find what makes sense to you.

the more I grow and see the world, the more I see that absolutely nothing is set on stone. you can be you today and someone else tomorrow.

let me prove it to you.

last year at this time, I was a mess. emotionally, mentally, spiritually, you name it. I didn’t quite know what I was living for. all I knew was as long as I held up a smile whenever needed, things would keep moving smoothly. I was just a collection of atoms existing. cold, quiet, no sense of whimsy whatsoever, keeping all her problems to herself. that lifestyle was eating me alive. it was heavy, it was draining.

a year later, I believe this is the best version of myself I have ever been, but I know it’s not the best I’ll ever be. I’m so in tune with my emotions. my nervous system is so regulated because I spend a lot of time alone. untangling my thoughts before trying to pour into anyone around me. my self-concept is stronger than ever, I know myself better than anyone else. I know what I like, I know what I hate. I don’t fake anything anymore. smiles, tears, they’re always genuine. I communicate. sincerity doesn’t equate to desperation to me anymore. I care deeply and I embrace that I do. 2025 Nia would be in absolute awe.

change.

for as long as I can remember, I had a serious problem with the idea of being perceived. everything about it irked me. up until I decided that nothing matters. and so if nothing matters, everything is mine to give meaning. I could choose to spend my days searching for meaning in an inherently meaningless world, or I could take control of the narrative and decide what I want to have meaning. (thank you Albert Camus). now here I am. apparently I publicly write my heart out on this app, and people like it! I take risks. I go for what my heart wants. I speak to people I don’t know like I’ve known them for years (hey substabuddies). I transitioned from needing to be stood up for and constantly reassured to being the one looked for to stand up for people and affirming my worth to myself whenever I get the chance. I do what I want. (thank you Natalie Nunn). so maybe i’m just a wanderer, moving from place to place without ever really settling down. maybe you are too.

change.

change and the law of assumption go together. you are what you decide you are. if you want to be the most confident person in a room, you walk in knowing you are. reality bends in favour of your subconscious mind. there’s no divine timing. time doesn’t exist. we’re all part of the universe’s unfolding everyday. change is only dependent on the conscious decision to do so.

so, my reader, if you want to change,

then change. that’s it.