Yes, I'm still single.

This isn’t a discussion I like to have, because more often than not, it turns into some kind of pity party.

“Don’t worry, it’ll come when you least expect it” “But you’re still so young, you have your whole life to live” and worst of all “Just trust in the universe’s timing!!”

If nobody has said these things to you, be grateful because these futile ‘pep talks’ do nothing but increase the weight of feeling unlovable.

I read a post that said “I feel like I’m at the mercy of the universe when it comes to love, and with everything else, I’m in complete control.” And I’ve never related to anything more.

We’re living in a time where literally everyone has some sort of experience when it comes to these things. One of my friends the other day told me that it’s such a foreign thing to think about to her, the fact that I’m soon turning nineteen and have never had any sort of romantic experience whatsoever.

I wish I was joking.

But it’s not entirely as bad as it sounds. It’s like a constant ping-pong between both worlds. Today I’m appreciating the beauty in learning myself, I’m embracing my solitude and the peace that comes with it but tomorrow I feel like I’m running out of time expeditiously. Falling behind. Missing out on the page of a book everyone has read.

Some may say I have this ‘maneater’ persona. I don’t have sympathy for men and it shows in the relationship advice I give to my friends🤣. Actually, to my friends reading this, if you were asked, you’d probably say “Nia is okay on her own. She always has been, she doesn’t need a man.” Sindio?

And you’re right I don’t need a man. Never gave that.

Because don’t get me wrong, I do love my solitude and I love that I’m so engulfed in the most priceless platonic love. But it can’t be the same. I’m human. It gets to a point.

All I’ve ever known is to be okay on my own. What if I want to be okay both on my own and with someone else?

I’ve always wanted to experience that teenage puppy love. I mean, who hasn’t? And in as much as I’d like to fight it, the fact of the matter is that it—having no romantic experience— will have you questioning yourself.

“Why me? Why NOT me?”

Fortunately, I’ve always been rather confident in my self-image, and I’m grateful to have people around me that nourish that confidence as well.

“But you’re so pretty, how have you never been in a relationship?” is the first thing I hear almost every single time I tell it to someone new. But what does that have to do with anything? Maybe if you follow it with telling me that people get intimidated (which I believe is an illusion btw), I’d try to see where you’re coming from. That’s even how I used to think of it sometimes. But you see, still, it’s of no help. And neither is repeating to me that I’m pretty.

Juu sa alafu? Is there nothing more to me other than my looks?

According to me, this entire conversation is one that has almost no correct response. You just let me speak and you listen. Because I promise, you really don’t get it.

Okay. I’m beautiful, yes, but we know how the human brain works. On some lonely nights I’ll be watching a romcom or scrolling on TikTok seeing people receive the love I so deeply crave. Even my friends. I hear their stories and experiences and I’m ever so happy for them but there’s always that lingering weight that I keep to myself because almost no one understands how heavy it really is.

“When is it going to be my turn?”

“Am I just not meant to find love?”

I’ve had my fair share of ‘talking stages’ but none that was actually meaningful. Talking stage culture as a whole is a myth to me. My last one was about 2 years ago. Yes, 2 years ago. After I was led on for almost a year (don’t ask me how it went on for that long. I also don’t know🤣) just to get ghosted, I gave up on them and never looked back.

I have so much empathy for the 16 year old girl that went through that yoh😭😭. But she’s okay now. (I think)

Going through that may or may not have shaped me into some kind of avoidant I think? Avoidant in the sense that I started to feel like I can’t give a piece of my heart to anyone simply because I know they’re going to leave me eventually.

Walls were built.

Fortunately I haven’t necessarily hurt or ghosted anyone, it’s just that I can barely give people time of day anymore. The idea of having to go through that again absolutely mortifies me. At the same time though, I don’t know how long I plan on keeping this up. This fear.

Everything I desire is on the other side of these walls. I know that.

I also know that almost nothing in this life comes easy, and to become, you must break. Break down the ugly parts of yourself to become what you desire. This is something I’m working on but I know the demons will show themselves shamelessly once a good person comes into my life. It’ll seem like a set-up, it always does. And because I’ve lived a life of being made to feel like my emotions are too intense, that I’m too much, I tend to reserve that part of me until I feel safe. And I’ve never felt safe. Not romantically. And even though it’s not what I want to do, it just became more of a reflex.

“Don’t reply just yet, you’ll scare him away.”

“Don’t call, you’ll scare him away.”

“Don’t say that, you’ll scare him away.”

I don’t like it. It’s very tiring.

If love has to be manipulated to exist, I don’t want it.

I want to meet my person. The one that will admire me beyond my looks. The owner of the heart that’ll accommodate me and all that I am. Someone just as intense. Someone I don’t need to hide myself from. Someone I can text 20 times the day after we first meet and he replies to every single text with the same (if not more) enthusiasm as me.

And yes, I know I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me, but in a year I won’t be a teenager anymore. And teenage love, with all its perfect imperfections, will just be a silly story I hear about from other people, but never get to tell.

It seems like such a beautifully stupid experience, one that all those Disney and Nickelodeon shows promised me. The little dates here and there, the flowers, the anniversaries, the intimate moments, all of it. But it feels like it’s slipping away from my reach and there’s nothing I can do about it. Anyway, who knows?

In these times, reciprocation really is a lost art, yet that’s all people ever want. To be mutually desired.

But lack doesn’t mean absence. Real lovers exist.

Fortunately for me, I will not be settling. I’m not going to reduce my intensity or tune the beautiful idea of love that exists in my mind to accommodate the bare minimum. If I’ll be 50 years old still waiting then so be it. (hopefully not😅😅)

Whoever jumps into my way and tries to snatch this spark of love away from me will (probably) succeed for a while, but I’ll build myself back up like I have in the past and keep waiting and loving. I was born to be a lover. I am a lover. And an intense one at that.

The kind of love I deserve is out there. I know it.